It may sound counterintuitive, but if you want to take charge as a parent, stop trying to control your child.

It’s important to create conscious parent-child relationships by focusing on the reactions you have to your child’s behavior rather than the behavior itself. We keep expecting the child to change and keep trying to micromanage the child.

All the while, we never look at ourselves. And most of the time, it’s only 10 percent what the child is doing and 90 percent what the parent is doing.

Conscious parenting doesn’t come naturally. No one is born a conscious parent. It’s so easy to yell at your kids. It’s very difficult to be patient, regulated, and aware.

Too often, parents get caught up in unnecessary power struggles with their children, fighting to be right rather than trying to connect with or understand them.

Here are some tips from on how to be a more intentional parent:

Move away from shame and blame

The first step to conscious parenting is recognizing that “shame and blame do not work.

A parenting model based on fear and punishment not only prevents you from connecting with your child but also prevents your child from connecting with their sense of inner security and worth. Instead of trying to control your child, view the parent-child relationship as a “mutual, reciprocal partnership.”

Act from a place of humility

Your children are here to live their lives, not yours. It’s easy as a parent to believe you always know best, but that mindset can often lead to recreating unhealthy dynamics from your own childhood.

For example, if you were told that playing the piano leads to success, you might sign your child up for lessons even if they voice wanting to pursue other instruments or hobbies.

Instead, strive to make choices aligned with your child’s wants and needs rather than arbitrary success metrics. You can be their guide and their usher, but you do not get to micromanage their well-being and their growth.

Reframe disrespect

When your child refuses to eat carrots or clean their room, it’s easy to view this behavior as disrespectful. We parents can make anything look like disrespect. We have to look at it in a different way. The child is not trying to disrespect you. The child is just being a child.

What you view as disrespectful often has more to do with your own feelings and experiences than your child’s behavior.

For example, if you get upset about a bad grade, that reaction might speak to your own past insecurities as a student. It’s not about the child. It’s about what’s coming up inside you that is causing you to have an issue. First, clean that up, and then you can help the child manage their feelings or their grades.

Manage your expectations

Parents can unknowingly write scripts for their children about how they should behave and how their lives should look. To consciously parent, you must recognize these fantasies first. Next, ask yourself, ‘Who would I be without this fantasy?’

The stories you hold about your children can often reveal your own desires and hurts. “Why are you needing this fantasy to come true? Why do you need your child to be a successful A-student? Is it really just for the child? Or is it also a little bit for you?”

Be in charge, not in control

The distinction between being in control versus being in charge means managing your child’s environment instead of trying to control the child’s every action.

For example, if you want your child to eat fewer sweets, not keeping sugar in the house rather than repeatedly scolding your child for eating cookies.

Expect pushback or upset from overstimulated children. Many parents take their children to Target or Disney World, for example, then we get upset with them when they act out.

Manage your expectations beforehand. When you go there, they’re going to want all the toys, and then there’s going to be a meltdown. Being aware of your child’s surroundings can better set you both up for success and understanding.