“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

Sometimes people can be really terrible to themselves and relentlessly compare themselves to other people, no matter how many times they read or hear about how good enough or lovable they are.

They meticulously look for evidence that they car are a nobody, that they don’t deserve to be loved, or that they’re not living up to their full potential.

There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of income, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, they seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about themselves.

They get stuck in their head and allow their inner critic to completely tear apart their self-esteem until they hate themselves too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

A self-love journey is on-going, here are a few things to try to remember when tempted to be mean to yourself:

1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.

I once had a poster in my office that said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.     

3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

We sometimes tends to zoom in on all our perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things you like about yourself too—like the fact that you’re alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever you choose.

4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

It is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when we’re in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth can really shift ones perspective and make you realize that love is actually the greatest gift one can receive during such times.  

5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”

One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot fully feel satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.

One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.

Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand and even if you know you want to change.

You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.


For more help with getting to a place where you are good enough, call now or visit www.courtenaymonfore.com